CNN Has The Latest Big News
Sometimes I think CNN is just fucking with people. This just in, top story, first U.S. President George Washington owed late fees on some fucking library books. Holy shit. Hold the phone people. This is major.
The Booty Pop - Does She Even Have A Booty?
We’re proud to introduce the second installment of our Booty Enhancement Solutions Series. In the off chance that the Wiccan Witch Spell didn’t give you the results you expected, or for some weird reason you felt uncomfortable sending some random trailer trash chick from ebay her Michelob Light money for the afternoon in exchange for her invoking strange and mysterious pagan powers on your ass, don’t worry. This is the solution for you.
I’ll be honest, I don’t really know how this works. That little talking electronic massaging robot device thingy kind of scares me and I don’t know what role it plays in the actual Booty Popping process, but hey, it was on TV and anything for sale on TV is obviously totally legit.
Booty Enhancement Spell
Got a flabby ass? Don’t sweat it. Whatapervert is pleased to announce we have discovered a number of easy cures out there. Here is the first in a new series of Booty Enhancement Solutions we will be rolling out in an ongoing theme of posts. The best part about this one is it is available online, so you don’t even need to get up off your fat ass to get it.
Here’s how it works – you send some crazy trailer trash Wiccan Witch about 8 dollars via ebay and in exchange she will cast a magic spell that will instantly transform your ass into a spitting image of Shakira’s sweet honey buns. No joke. This shit is real. WARNING: If you are a dude, watch out. I just tried it out and now I can’t stop looking in the mirror and all my guy friends are hitting on me (again).
Act fast here people, it looks like she only has about 10 of these things left, and they are going like hot cakes. Get yours just in time for Thanksgiving!
*NOTE: In order to work properly, this spell requires a 3 week diet of raw eggs and lemon water, running 10 miles a day, and 500 squats per hour.
CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE
The (Imaginative) Race to Space…
In 1962, U.S. President John F. Kennedy said “We choose to go to the Moon – not because it is easy, but because it is hard”. In 2010 the Russians said “We choose to imagine going to Mars, because it is easier than actually going”. Okay, so I paraphrased that, but it does seem like space programs in general have cooled down a bit in the past few decades.
Yes, that’s right – this international team of researchers is going to lock themselves in a “windowless capsule” (read trailer home) for 520 days and pretend they are flying to Mars. Good luck guys, safe travels, hopefully we will all be here when you get back.
Guarding the Light Bulbs
I suppose this is rather mundane, but I really just couldn’t figure out what was going on here. Is this armed, on-duty LAPD officer guarding a ladder to the light bulbs at Whole Foods in Santa Monica, California? Are they having a big problem with light bulb theft due to the recession? It seems to me if they just took the ladder down they might curb some of the obvious temptation. Then again, I’m no criminologist.
Maybe I got it wrong and he’s actually changing the bulbs but stopped for a smoke break on the second bulb. Either way, I gotta say it makes me wonder how much this guy is getting paid per hour to smoke cigarettes and stare at a wall with a .45 caliber firearm strapped to his belt. Is his position really all that necessary?
I guess this is "Straight Talk"
My phone stopped working and I called my cell phone company (Straight Talk) to ask why. After an hour on hold, and a 20 minute repetitive phone conversation – in which the mentally retarded phone operator asked me to spell my address 14 different times, and my name 22 times, finally said she would email me a case file with instructions on how to get the phone fixed or replaced – this is what I received. Very helpful. Gotta love corporate America.
World's Best Websites
After watching Bob Parson’s tutorial “How to grow STEEL BALLS even if you are a woman” (http://www.bobparsons.me/index.php) I grew inspired to kick it up a few notches (royalties to be paid to Emeril later) and create some new annual Whatapervert awards.
Soooo…I’ve been trying to give the First Annual 2010 Whatapervert World’s Best Website, but I just can’t seem to make the call, so I need your votes to help me out here…
Contestant #1:
http://richman.com/index.html
(A really forward-thinking company with a commendable and honest mission to provide nothing but high quality canned fished to everyone on the planet, regardless of skin color, religious beliefs or socio-economic background.)
Contestant #2:
http://www.yvettesbridalformal.com/
(Another top-notch organization located in Panama City Florida, devoted to making every new bride as absolutely beautiful as possible on the most special night of their lives.)
Contestant #3: Write-In – If you have your own recommendation, include it in a comment to this post and it’ll be added to the list of possible contenders.
